As some of you may already know . . .

I don't like one of my housemates very much. Ok, I don't like her at all. Lizzie and I have taken to calling her "Fatty" when she is not around, and sometimes I can't even remember her actual name. I came up with this list as if writing from her (Fatty's) perspective.

Rules For Successful Living



1. Dont do dishes unless:

a. Coco is in the living room, or close by enough to hear and/or see the dishes being done.

b. You are only planning to wash the one dish you just used, not the pile that youve let accumulate because these conditions werent met at the time. Also, only actual dishes may be washed. Never wash pots, pans, or flatware.

c. The drying rack is empty. You must never, ever, under any circumstances, empty the drying rack. Especially not your own dishes.



2. Only take out the trash and/or recycling if:

a. Coco asks you to.

b. You are only taking out one or the other. Never empty both the trash and the recycling at the same time. If you are emptying the recycling, you must empty only the cardboard OR the plastic and glass. Not both. Ever.



3. Never sweep, mop, or clean the house in any way. If necessary, complain that the house is in fact too clean. If you absolutely must sweep your room, sweep only the side on which you live.



4. Have a problem to discuss with a housemate?

a. Never bring up your own concern first. Wait, weeks or months if necessary, for a housemate to complain to you about something before bringing up your complaint.

b. Only petty complaints are allowed. Possible grounds for complaint include playing piano in the afternoon (prime sleeping time which must not be interrupted), sudden cleaning and rearrangement of the refrigerator, and things your housemates didn't actually do, like using your stapler.



5. Physical fitness guidelines:

a. Running must be your only form of cardiovascular exercise. You may only go running with a running buddy. Also, you may not run the whole time; the running session must include copious amounts of walking, or cool-down.

b. After a run, you must eat either a whole frozen pizza or an entire box of macaroni. Remember to eat three square meals a day, adding snacks when hungry.

c. Never, ever, put your running clothes in the washing machine. They must be cleaned on your person, while you are taking a post-run shower.

"It arrives on Friday. It weighs seven pounds . . . like a baby."

-Eric, re: his new camera

An email to my family:


Hi Mom, Dad, and Dave,

Hope you're having a good time on your vacation. I was unable to reach any of you today, as you have all charmingly turned your cell phones off.

I got a call from Lizzie around 10:00 this morning, telling me that she had just learned from Roundtree, my housing development where my car is parked in Santa Cruz, that they were to be resealing the pavement in my parking lot today. In an hour. And my car had to be moved, or it would be towed/impounded by the police, which could cost me as much as $1000. Note at this point that numerous notices and notices of notices had been sent to 226 Castillion, but neither Nikki or my subletter Jake or Nikki's roommate Bowen managed to open these letters or tell me about them.

I called AAA, and after a half hour runaround on the phone with them, they informed me that they could not tow my car because there was no key around, and their towing company in the area was unwilling to accept liability for possible damage due to towing a car without a key. By this time, I had had Lizzie start driving up to Santa Cruz to meet the tow truck guy, who evidently, would not be showing up. I had to resort to calling another towing company in Santa Cruz who were willing to tow a car without the keys...

Because my steering wheel was locked, the big tow truck was unable to get my car into a parallel space initially, which as you know, is the only kind of parking space on Nobel Drive. After some thought, and with Lizzie's help, they figured out that they could park it in the space right in front of our parking lot, next to where we take out the trash... this extra time and effort tacked an extra $55 onto the bill, which, when added onto the lockout fee of $55 and the towing fee of $65, brought the total up to $175. To tow my car. To a parking space about 40 feet from where it was parked.

Too bad none of you were answering your phones, and that nobody had keys to my car except you. Maybe if I'd been able to reach you, someone in the development with a spare key to our house (?) could have let Lizzie in, so she could've found the Daewoo keys and moved the car herself... Or maybe nobody has spare keys to our house. I don't know. In any case I'm out $130 for changing my plane flight to September 8th (it's okay, I'll see Dave in December in Brazil anyway, and I have no plans of spending another at least $130 to change my flight again), and $175 for the towing, and around $10 to pay back Lizzie for the gas she used to get there, and another $30 or so to send her chocolates because I feel so bad about her having had to drive there and all.

Hope your vacation is going well. Write or call back when you get the chance.

Cheers,

Coco

I got Lizzie to use a neti pot!

:-)

http://www.yikes.com/~pengo/8bit/

Dear Coco,

God, do I love grapes.

I love them because . . .
They have a high water content.
They are crunchy on the outside and soft in the middle.
They are turgid.
They are sweet.
They are tart.
They are diverse (red OR green).
They are also good frozen.
They have many individual pieces per serving (I get to eat, like, 50).
They are nature's Mento.

I could eat a pound of grapes a day. Maybe I will.

Love,
Eric

Lizzie: "Hey I'll pay you a dollar if I can have one of your Pellegrino's."

Coco: "It'll have to be two dollars."

Lizzie: "Oh, ok no thanks then."

Coco: "You could just drink some Brita water..."

Lizzie: "Oh! I forgot we had water."